Over a year ago I dropped off the face of the earth. I was busy, blogging wasn’t fun, I had no time to cook. But really, one of the main reasons I stopped cooking was that I moved out of my mom’s house into an apartment with my then-fiance, Kevin. Suddenly:
Not only bills, but for the first time in my pathetic adult life I was responsible for purchasing my own food. Sure, Kevin helped out, but he was paying rent. So I quickly learned that buying duck and lamb and scallops and saffron and truffles (ok, I never bought truffles) with my own money was ENTIRELY different from using my mother’s credit card. I tried to shop more frugally, still spending way too much money each week at Wegmans, but living more within the means of a 20-something working at a tech start-up.
Enough about that: Here’s what happened AFTER the move:
I got married! (Don’t worry, a billion more posts about that to come, because Dammit I DIYed a beautiful wedding and I’m going to pin it!)
I went on my honeymoon to Jamaica and ate ALL the food and did ALL the scuba diving.
We got a PUPPY! His name is Rowdy.
That puppy grew up and became a lot of work.
I got Lasik. Obviously I have to redo my blog header now! Although I still miss my glasses…
I got depression and my grandfather died and there were a couple of super shitty months. I’ll go into these more in depth as well. I obviously don’t have any pictures of me bumming around the house wearing a blanket over my head, so here is a picture of my ghetto Hanukkah set-up because I left my menorah at my mother’s house.
*edit* I found a picture of me at a New Years Party wearing my Chewbacca Onesie, which I wore a lot during the winter.
Things slowly got better. I got a raise and Kevin got a new job, so we began looking for a house.
We packed up our apartment and moved in with my mother (I know, it feels like a backwards leap to me too. But financially it made the most sense while we waited to…)
Close on our house! Which should be happening next Friday, assuming everything goes to plan.
Picture to be added REALLY FRACKING SOON!
So that’s my life. The depression really grabbed my by the balls this time. It’s something I’ve always struggled with, to an extent, but this year it became unbearable. Couple that with my anxiety, my grandfather dying, my new role as a wife, the dog being crazy, and the crappy winter…I was incapacitated for several months.
I was embarrassed. I was reluctant to seek help. I wanted to fix it by myself. But it got to the point where I couldn’t. So I started seeing someone who has been very helpful at getting me to recognize my feelings and not try to suppress them, and also live with less guilt, fear, and anxiety.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not cured. I’m still all shades of fucked up. I get into moods where I retreat into a room with an audiobook or the Hamilton soundtrack and a monotonous task and just stop thinking. Or play solitaire for three hours. Or take a nap. And my husband has been so wonderful to me this year, despite this not being the ideal first year of marriage. The honeymoon period came to a crashing stop after my first full-blown panic attack. But he’s been by my side the entire time, and I’m excited to start the next chapter of our lives.
Just, maybe with less panic attacks. And more fuzzy onesies.